The Balloon & The Ceiling Fan

Remember the story of the Valentine’s Day balloons? A story that started 105 days ago (thereabouts — I find calendar math difficult) with 75 balloons decorating our bedroom?

And then they just. Wouldn’t. Die.

You may remember that over a month ago, one of the remaining babies tried to kill me in my sleep. Don’t worry, it’s now swimming with the fishes!

Shortly after that episode we were down to 6 balloons. And then it was like they all gave up. Their spirits were collectively broken by my lack of dying. Within a matter of days they all fell to the ground.

All but one.

The last, a deep pink anomaly, stayed glued to the ceiling. (Not literally. I checked.) Not only did it need to win the balloon-off, it needed to break every single balloon-floaty record IN THE WORLD.

A few weeks ago it FINALLY started to lose some of its floatyness, and began to explore the house. I was able to capture footage of it introducing itself to our bedroom fan.

(Note: There are no popping balloons in this video. I swear. I know some of you fear that noise. I’m with you. This video is free of scary balloon deaths.)

Since this brief-but-humiliating encounter, it spends most of its time cowering in the corner, hiding behind my yoga bolster. It’s all, “Hey, you’re into that yoga crap, you wouldn’t hurt a defenceless creature, would you?”

Hiding Balloon

Yeah right. Prove to me you weren’t in on the whole “choking me in my sleep” escapade, and I’ll spare you from the scissors for another day.

Maybe.

Inside Boring. Outside Good.

I sat in the living room, watching TV and checking my email. Clearly I was bored.

Something outside caught my attention. Just there, through the crack in the curtains.

Sunset1

Just there. Do you see it?

Sunset2

Look closer.

Sunset3

Ah! There it is!

Sunset4

Nature. Better than any reality TV programming.

Heed This Warning, Evil Balloons!

You may remember that Corey and I had recently acquired new roommates. (See Why I Have One Thousand Balloons As Roommates.) My original estimate of 1,000 was a little high. Apparently it was 75.

As you’ll recall, these balloons took up residency on February 14th, 2012. Around two and a half months ago. They all stayed floating high and proud for the first month. Clearly they were having a competition to see who would remain the floatiest for the longest.

After that first month they started to drop, one by one. When they hit the floor, Corey would deem them out of the race and…uh…”dispose” of them.

About a week ago a rogue balloon turned on us. My only guess is that it witnessed the disposal process, and decided it would try to take us out before it was its turn. So it did what any self respecting balloon would.

It tried to choke me in my sleep.

In the middle of the night I awoke to a tickling in my throat. I opened my eyes and there it was – a pink balloon sitting on my face, trying to smother me! It had positioned it’s curly ribbon in my mouth and was waiting for me to take a nice, long, deep breath. If things had gone according to plan I would have inhaled the damn thing.

Well played, pink balloon! But, as always, I had the last laugh!

I kicked the balloon out of the bedroom, checked under the bed and in the closet for fellow conspirators, then went back to sleep.

The next morning, Corey hunted out the traitor.

Warning, the following pictures may disturb delicate viewers.

Death Of Balloon 1

 

Death Of Balloon 2

 

Death Of Balloon 3

 

Death Of Balloon 4

Since the public execution, there have been no more attacks.

Six balloons are left. Who will outwit, outlast, and outplay?

PS, does anyone else think it’s crazy that helium balloons are lasting this long?

The Day The Radiator Died

Once upon a time there was a girl* who worked in an office. It was winter, and it was cold. This nameless girl sat with her back a few inches from the radiator. The building was old and poorly insulated. Her office was freezing in the winter. Or would be, if there was no heat.

And guess what?

Sometimes, there was no heat.

You see, one especially cold day in January, the heat broke.

Some men in blue jump suits came to look at it. They had to go below the office to look at the pipes in the basement. They sat down there and smoked, and the smoke came up through the radiator, and choked our unidentified heroine.

The men in the blue jump suits came back into the office and declared the heat fixed and went away.

And the heat did indeed come on. And on and on and on. Full blast. It would not stop. Not even when the suffocating girl turned the thermostat off. The heat still came and came and came until the girl started to feel like an over cooked, chewy pot roast.

The men in the blue jump suits came back, and sat and smoked and choked the girl, and once again declared the heat fixed.

The heat did indeed turn off. And off and off and off. It so enjoyed being off, it refused to turn back on.

Repeat this cycle of either heat on full blast all the time or no heat ever. Repeat it several times. Repeat it until it’s funny. Repeat it until it gets really old, and then keep repeating it until it gets funny again.

Repeat it during a crazy winter of scary climate change weather, and then match up the days of full blast heat with the days of 28°C weather, and the days of no heat with the -20°C  weather.

Repeat it until one day, when the men in blue jump suits declared that it was our thermostat that was broken, and not the actual heat. They gave the girl a brand new thermostat, and walked away, declaring the problem fixed.

It was not fixed.

The girl was back to the heat not coming on at all.

Finally, FINALLY, one of the blue jumpsuits figured out that the new thermostat didn’t work with a steam radiator, and that one would have to be special ordered. It would take weeks. Apparently it is coming from Jupiter.

However, he did install a temporary fix for our poor, totally anonymous friend.

Thermostat at Work

The options are still full blast or nothing, but at least the girl can control it.

The men in blue jump suits haven’t visited for weeks now, and the girl kind of hopes they never come back. They will likely only make things worse.

The end.

 

* Me.

Behind Curtain Number One…

I’ve never really been one for decorating a bedroom. Okay, okay, I’ve never really been one for decorating any room. I’m a big fan of hand-me-down furniture. As long as it is relatively comfy and doesn’t have stains on it, I’m in. And curtains? Have you seen the price of curtains? Foggedaboudit!

Our apartment came with blinds, and that was good enough for me.

Until the winter.

Then came the cold seeping in through the glass, and the glare off the snow easily penetrated our blinds, filling our bedroom with blinding light all through the night. Blinding!* I’m not exaggerating!**

So, Corey hung a quilt over our window to serve as temporary protection against both the cold and the light. (No, we’re not vampires. Why do you ask?)

Quilt Curtain

 

Effective, yes, but was a little to reminiscent of my late-teens-first-apartment-living-in-squallor days. I vowed to make curtains.

Four months later…

On Saturday I attempted to turn this:

Curtain Supplies

Into curtains. Armed with this tutorial from Butterfly Boutique, suggestions from my facebook friends, a large pot of tea, and six episodes of The Good Wife, I launched into the project.

Curtain Sewing

I meant to take more pics of the process, but I forgot…

New Curtains Closed

 

New Curtains Open

 

I think they’re a step up from the quilt.

Do you like how the curtains are a different shade of green in every photo?

 

* Okay, maybe just really bright.

** Yes, I am.